Emotions have always been a very difficult thing for me. From a very young age I found myself in situations that caused emotions I didn't know how to deal with. At the time I didn't know how to regulate my emotions, therefore, I did my best to turn all emotion off. The more emotion I felt, the more I tried to get rid of them because they caused me to feel things I did not want to feel. Whether it was pain, anger, sadness, hopelessness, inadequacy, you could name a thousand and I did not want to feel a single one.
Slowly, one by one, I turned them off because I was protecting myself. In the short run it helped me a lot, but in the long run, it caused many, many issues. One of the main side effects it caused was my addiction (I was going to say negative side effect, but that's not true because it has been a secret blessing). Whenever I felt an emotion, however big or small, I turned to the comfort of my hidden secret that helped me escape. However, that hidden secret became fleeting. The more I indulged the more it seemed to slip my grasp. I had to continue to go back, again and again, to try and relieve the unpleasant feelings of emotion. That's how addiction gets its hooks in you. It does it by giving you a taste of what you want, but not the whole experience. As time went on, escaping into my fantasy dream world, that would give me that release of emotion, eventually ran up dry. All of the shame, anger, and sadness that had stored in a massive emotion cloud came pouring down. I could not escape it.
This brings me to a quote that has been repeating in my head for months. "In order for change to happen, emotions need to be felt." The quote is very simple, yet extremely deep. I actually feel dumb putting this out there because it seems such common knowledge, but I just barely realized its truth. People are emotion-driven, if we do not feel, we do not act. All of that time I spent shunning my emotions, it caused my emotional health to stagnate and then digress into nothingness. Since I was not processing or acting on emotions, when I did feel them I didn't know how to properly engage with them. Anger became rage. Sadness became despair. Happiness felt unwarranted. Eventually, when I processed through my feelings, over time I became better at it. I started being comfortable in my own emotional skin. As soon as this happened I started to actually feel, then it prompted me to act.
Letting myself feel my emotions was the step necessary to kickstart my rekovery. The horrible feeling of shame, sadness, and anger prompted me to make life-altering decisions to put me on this path. Yes, letting those emotions in was difficult and I pushed back a lot, but eventually, I learned that they were my motivation. I did not want to feel them anymore, but this time I did not run away, I ran right at them. I dug up the shameful things of my past and confronted them head on so I could let them go. The more I processed through the guilt the easier it got and that eventually led me to write this blog. This was my ultimate step of getting rid of the guilt and shame because the secrecy didn't have to control my life anymore. The fact that I don't have to hide anymore is a feeling that is indescribable. It has lifted a burden that I had been carrying for over 15 years. The coincidental thing about all of it was that the horribly negative feelings of shame caused me to make changes. See, let my life be an example that emotions, even the bad ones, can promote positive change.
Different emotions cause different actions, but the principle is the same. Feeling leads to action. Once we get a hold of our emotions then we can use those emotions to fuel us to great things. Some people are fueled by fear. Others by hope. Others by faith. The list can go on and on for good and bad. However, we ultimately choose what our emotions cause us to do.
Many people use their emotions as an excuse for their actions. There is no excuse. Your anger is not an excuse for you making your spouse cry. Your feelings of shame did not make you lie to your loved ones. Your fear did not make you stop going after a dream. You chose to let your emotions dictate those choices. Those choices are on you. Emotions do not rule us, we rule them. As soon as we get that through our stubborn heads, the better off we will be. Emotions can be a powerful tool for good if we let them be. They can be our catalyst to reach our full potential.
I have just realized in the past couple years that emotional regulation is a skill that needs to be honed and practiced or our emotions will get the best of us. A sign of superior emotional intelligence is if one can feel an emotion and just let it be. It's okay to feel joy, sadness, awkwardness, and any emotion we feel in our daily lives. The more we just let them come and go, rather than pushing them away, the more we can become okay with them. Yes, does feeling certain emotions suck? Ya, but that's okay! It's normal to have a day where you just feel sad. It's okay to feel angry, we all do. Emotions in themselves are not bad, its what we choose to do with them is what makes them bad.
Let's use our emotions for good so we can have more empathy for one another. This world needs people to mourn with those that mourn. Comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Help those that can't help themselves. We can be a light to those around us if we just allow ourselves to feel the emotions that prompt us to act in Godly ways.
In order for change to happen, emotions need to be felt.