One of the most difficult aspects of dealing with addiction and depression, and life in general, is the feeling of inadequacy. Every single person deals with the damaging and paralyzing feelings of not being enough. These feelings can cause us to stop going down a path that we desperately desire to take. They cause us to doubt our capabilities. They cause us to settle for things in life that don't bring true happiness. The things I just listed are only a tiny portion of the possible negative effects. The feelings of inadequacy can cause a myriad of issues in our life that are very real.
For me, I have felt inadequate in many many aspects of my life because of my addiction and depression. Many of those inadequacies were brought on because of myself, and not the doing of others. I believe that this is true for the majority of us because we get caught up comparing ourselves to others and where we believe we should be at certain points in life. For example, the constant use of social media like Instagram, Facebook, and others have caused us to constantly compare our lives with the lives of our friends, peers, and strangers. The constant portrayal of perfect lives on social media can cause us to feel inadequate in all different aspects. We are our own worst critics. Since we are our own worst critics we unfairly compare the glamorous and perfect portrayals of life on social media with our worst and embarrassing aspects we don't want others to see. When we stupidly compare our worst to others best, no wonder we have feelings that we aren't good enough.
The whole purpose of my writing is to be raw and real; raw and real for those who are reading, but more importantly for myself. For the majority of my 24 years of life, I have lied, faked, and portrayed a false narrative of myself because of the deep hindering feelings of inadequacy I have felt. The acting was not just to convince others I was confident and happy, but I was trying to convince myself that I was enough. The deep shame that I constantly felt because of a rampant addiction that was slowly tearing away my self-confidence caused deep roots of inadequacy. Every day I have to overcome those feelings of inadequacy to slowly repair the damaged goods that are in my heart. With the daily help of my amazing wife, I have come to realize that I am worth it.
I am enough.
I am strong.
I can do it.
I am right where I need to be.
I am happy.
Yes, there are days where I don't feel that way, but that's okay. I used to never believe those things. The fact that I can even believe those things at all is a miracle. No, this did not happen overnight. It took hard work on my part, along with the help of a loving God that helped me feel I was enough. I wasn't inadequate. I was right where I needed to be. Sometimes we feel that the dumb things in life we have done have caused us to permanently stray off a path that we want to be on and that we can never return. That is not true. With enough diligence and the help of all-powerful loving Heavenly Parents, we can become what we want and need to be.
To be real, the feelings of inadequacy have taken a major toll on me the past month. Coming out with this blog and disclosing the inner hardships of my soul I have seen amazing things happen. However, with the amazing things, came a burden that I did not expect. All of the positive comments and praise that I have gotten from my writing has caused me to feel an intense pressure that I am just now overcoming. Since my last post, I have been paralyzed by this pressure and it caused me to be unable to write. The fear of my writing not being enough caused me to shut down. It caused me to second guess and overcomplicate this whole process. I had forgotten that my main goal of writing is to heal myself. If inspiration for others reading comes, that is an amazing bonus, but that is is not my purpose. My purpose is to become clean and heal the damage that has been done. Hopefully, through my journey of Rekovery, I will be able to change the lives of others, but that is a byproduct of the healing taking place in myself.
I share this with you because sharing my fears of inadequacy gives those feelings less power. They allow me to acknowledge and accept that I have those fears and then move on from them. Being raw and real allows our souls to repair themselves from the trauma experienced because of our feelings of inadequacy. If we can come to accept who we are and where we are in life without hate and judgment, then those feelings will fade and we can start truly loving ourselves.
We are enough now. We are right where we need to be.
Inadequacy is a figment of our imagination.
Don't let it rule you.