I first got the idea to start a blog in 2015, but I had no idea what I should write about. Almost two years later I realized that I had the perfect topic, but I didn't want to share because the topics of addiction and mental health were so shameful for me to talk about. Yes, I struggle with depression and addiction. Wow, that is empowering to share and let go of the shame of hiding a part of my true self.
To the average person, I seem like a confident and happy person that has a pretty great life at 24 years old. I'm happily married to my beautiful wife Hannah, have a home, have an awesome family, almost graduated with my degree, and financially stable. Really, from appearances, it seems like I have a pretty awesome and easy life. Even to my close friends and family, they would think the exact same thing. However, as the title suggests, I have lied for years about a part of me because I believed that those closest to me would not and could not understand. Now is the time to break the silence for myself and for others to help them on their journey towards sobriety, but more importantly Rekovery.
By now you're probably wondering, okay, what is his addiction? I struggle with a sexual addiction that includes pornography, masturbation, and lustful thoughts. Accompanying my addiction I struggle with seasonal depression and situational depression from the toll my addiction has placed upon the chemical structure of my brain.
I want to share my story to further my recovery, but also to help anybody I can that is struggling with addiction and mental health issues. Along with those struggling, this blog is for anybody that knows an individual struggling with these disorders in order to educate them so they can better help and understand. Most people have a very minimal understanding of the torment of those suffering from these disorders, and hopefully, I can shed some light on these topics.
I was born into a world of addiction. My dad Vincent was addicted to alcohol, suffered from depression, and had severe anxiety. From day one, I have been surrounded by the devastating and negative effects of addiction and mental health issues. My dad was a great man, but he had many demons that haunted him his whole life. Unfortunately, those demons affected mine.
I first came across pornography when I was just 6 years old. I was home alone with my dad and we were both doing separate things. I was playing video games while he was in his office on the computer. I decided to sneak up on him to see what he was doing and I caught him watching pornography. I'll never forget that bright pink screen. I hurried and turned around before he knew that I had caught him. As I backed away, I was flooded with all sorts of emotions. Anger, curiosity, sadness, excitement, and many other conflicting emotions. At the time I couldn't fully process what I had been exposed to, but I knew I had to keep it a secret. I now realize that this was mistake number one that led my life on the path of addiction.
In the pursuing years, my mom and dad got divorced because of my dad's addiction to alcohol that he would not give up. During those 3 years, I experienced terrible things that a child should not witness or go through. Here I will tell you a few of those experiences.
The first was my dad's two failed rehab attempts. No, failing to stay sober after rehab is not a terrible thing, but it took a toll on me as a child because of his promise to stay clean for me. After he relapsed I felt that he didn't care about me enough to stay clean because of his promise. This took a major shot at my self-worth because I didn't feel loved, and I believed that if I was a better son then he would have been able to stay clean for me. As a kid, I didn't understand addiction and the inability to have complete control over your actions. Now I realize that he did love me enough to go to a rehab center, but he couldn't stay clean.
Another horrifying memory, was the night that my parents were screaming at each other locked in my bedroom. All I remember is the harshness of the screams accompanied by loud banging sounds that sounded like my mom was being hurt. This was the first time in my life that I felt that my mom, sister, and I were unsafe with my dad. At the time I was just 7 years old. After the fight had finished they both came out of my bedroom and I saw what had been going on. I looked into my bedroom and there were 3 fist size holes in my wall. I was grateful that my mom was not hurt, but in my mind, it left a stain on my bedroom that flooded into me. Although my mom put up cool posters over the holes, it was only a band-aid covering the damage that had been done.
A third memory I have is coming home from church and walking in to see my dad laying face first on the kitchen hardwood floor in just his underwear. He looked dead to me. My mom rushed my sister and me out and took us over to our neighbor Debbie's house so she could take care of the situation. He had drank too much and passed out. Although my neighbor tried to distract us from what was going on, nothing could mask the feelings I felt and make me forget the image of my dad lying on the floor.
Lastly, the day that my mom had to kick the door open to his hotel room where he had drank too much and given himself alcohol poisoning. My sister and I were sitting outside in the car watching as my dad was stretchered into an ambulance. I later found out that my dad had died in that ambulance, but was revived.
All of these events had created a gaping hole inside of me that I needed to fill, and that is when my addiction took root. Those festering feelings that I had felt when I caught my dad watching pornography had finally culminated and pushed me to indulge myself. Pornography and masturbation became my outlet at the young innocent age of 9. At the time I felt that I was alone and that I couldn't tell anybody because of the inherent knowledge that what I was doing was wrong. I quickly learned to be an excellent actor and manipulator so people would not see me hurting inside and know the deep shame that I was feeling.
Slowly a terrible habit turned into a full-fledged addiction that I could not control. When I turned 14 I started to go through puberty. My body and brain were going through changes and I started to lose all motivation for life. My grades started to slip, I always wanted to sleep and be alone, and I didn't know what was happening. I was developing seasonal and situational depression from my natural chemistry along with the abuse of natural chemicals from my addiction. As my depression worsened, my addiction increased ten fold because that was the only thing that would make me feel better, even if it was just for 10 minutes. Now along with the shame of my addiction, I had the shame of depression because there was another thing that was 'wrong' with me.
As the years progressed, acting out daily, I grew colder and numb to emotions because of the effects of pornography. I tried not to care about anything in the world because I saw caring as weakness and potential hurt so I kept everyone at an arm's length to protect myself. Unfortunately, I hurt my family and friends because I didn't care how my actions would affect them. I would say demeaning things, manipulate, and make them feel weak so I could feel strong. It was nice to feel like I had control over something because I had little control over my own life.
The harder I tried to stop watching pornography and masturbating, the harder it pulled me in. Every time I said "this is the last time", I would relapse, and it made me feel like a complete failure for not being able to stop again. Every time I relapsed I would get more and more angry and I began to hate myself. I then reached a point where anger was my only emotion. I could do or say anything to anyone without remorse because I was always angry. Although I was always angry I didn't want anyone to know it. My freezer received most of the blunt anger so I could act like nothing phased me at all in front of everyone else.
When I was 17 I had two specific individuals who would do things for me that would change the course of my entire life.
The first was my Young Men President, Sean Douglas. I was partially active in my church and I had nothing to do with my Young Men's group, but every Wednesday night Sean would text me and invite me to come to Mutual. I almost never responded, but without fail he would text me every week. This went on for about a year and a half before I finally took him up on his offer. I went to Mutual and nothing amazing happened, but this small decision from a small kind gesture over time set me on a new path. I was still acting out in my addiction, but I felt a new hope and that somebody actually cared about me.
A few months later, one of my best friends, Andrew, invited me to go watch the LDS General Priesthood Session with him and his dad. He was always nice to ask me, but a lot of the time I would tell him I couldn't go. Luckily, I decided to go with him. At the session I heard a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland called "We Are All Enlisted", and this talk changed my life. He spoke with such conviction that all worthy young men in the LDS church are called to serve full-time missions. I had always considered a mission, but I didn't think that I would actually commit and go until that point. After this talk I knew that I needed to go, and I was going to go no matter what.
I got fully active in my church and made some drastic changes in my life so I could be worthy to serve. Nothing short of a miracle, I had stayed sober for a few months so I could turn in my mission papers and serve a full-time mission. I received my mission call to serve in the Arkansas, Little Rock Mission, and serving a mission was one of the best decisions I have made in my entire life. Like many suffering from this addiction, I thought my mission would cure me of this horrible disease that was plaguing me, but I was wrong. I had a few relapses while I was serving my mission and that brought me so much shame. Before this, I thought missionaries were perfect and I felt like I had to be to serve the Lord, but, oh, was I ignorant.
Three weeks before the end of my mission, I got a call from my mom on July 4th saying that my dad had just died. I returned home early, serving a faithful mission, to attend my dad's funeral. Within three weeks of being home, I had relapsed again. How could I do this? I am a returned missionary and I slipped back into my old 'habits' that quickly... The shame that I felt was almost unbearable because I believed that I had just wasted my two years serving because of that one relapse. I struggled off and on with periods of sobriety, but I thought that I was going to struggle with this for the rest of my life. I had no hope.
Shortly after getting back together with my girlfriend, now wife, Hannah after a year-long break up, I finally told her my 'horrible' secret that I had a sexual addiction. This was one of the scariest things I had ever done in my life because I knew that I wanted to marry her and I thought that she was going to run away. Although I thought I was going to lose her, I didn't want to trap her into marrying me without telling her. To my surprise, she just hugged me, and she said that she was going to help me through it.
A few months later we both started attending a 12 step support group called Healing Through Christ. When I first started attending the group I had a little under 4 months to get clean and sober so I could be worthy to be married in the Provo City Center Temple. Through me working the steps and by many mighty miracles, I was married and sealed to my sweetheart for time and all eternity being worthy and sober for almost 4 months. Just like my mission, I thought that marriage would solve my addiction, but I was wrong, yet again. We were married for about 5 weeks before I had my first relapse. This was the worst relapse of my life. I had made a covenant with God and my wife that I would do my best for them and I shattered it. I had unrealistic expectations that I would never have a relapse again, but I was prideful and thought that I could conquer this because I was married.
Now being married for just over a year, Hannah and I have grown so much from this trial. You would expect our marriage to be in shambles because of the 'problem' that I brought into our marriage, but just the opposite is true. We are stronger than ever because we have relied on each other for support and are daily working on perfecting ourselves for each other. We have learned that recovery is a journey for myself but is also a journey for her.
From our experiences we want to help anyone and everyone we can because we know that there are many other individuals and couples that are affected by this addiction. Most people believe that this addiction is far and few between, but we know that there are thousands of men and women suffering in silence. You are not alone.
My addiction has turned into a major blessing in my life because of the people I have met, and the changes I have made because of it. No I'm not perfect, but through my recovery I have grown so much and I can't wait to see where I will go.
Yes, I have an addiction. Yes, I suffer from depression. No, I am not broken. I will no longer hide this part of myself.
I will Rekover.